Ghici cine vine la cin?

de Iulian Srbu

ntr-o dup-amiaz (mai spre sear) eram singur acas. Toi erau plecai pe unde aveau treab, numai eu se pare c nu aveam nimic de fcut. Adevrul e c nu m simeam prea bine. M inea un junghi n partea stng (aoleu, inima e acolo!) i eram moale ca o crp. M-am dus la buctrie s-mi fac un ceai, cu gndul c m va liniti puin. Dup ce-l beau, desigur. Tocmai pusesem lichidul aburitor n can, cnd cineva a sunat la u.Cine s fie la ora asta? M-am uitat pe vizor, dar nu distingeam bine cine era (pe casa scrilor e un bec chior). Fie ce-o fi! Am deschis ua. n prag sttea Moartea. Cum adic? Care Moarte, te-ai tmpit? vei zice. Dac v spun c era Moartea, aa cum am vzut-o n tot felul de picturi i ilustraii! mbrcat n negru i cu coasa n mn. Instantaneu am simit c m doare mai tare n stnga. Eram paralizat. Nu m puteam mica i nici nu puteam scoate un cuvnt. Hei, ce stai cu limba n gur? a grit Moartea. Nu m invii nuntru?Cu micri de somnambul, m-am dat la o parte i i-am fcut semn s intre. Scuz-m, cred c te-am speriat puin! N-am venit la tine. Am venit la vecinul de la trei, dar trebuie s mai atept c nu-i nc gata. E doctorul la el i m-a ncurcat i pe mine, i pe el. M-am gndit s atept aici pn o s fie gata, mai ales c i tu eti clientul meu. Nu acum, nu te speria, cndva, n viitor!Moartea rezem coasa de perete lng cuier. Sper c nu te ncurc dac pun asta aici. efii ne oblig s umblm cu tot echipamentul sta ridicol. Cic aa ne vor recunoate pmntenii mai uor.Ce-i drept, la mine a funcionat. Am recunoscut-o imediat.Moartea i scoase vemntul negru i-l atrn n cuier. De fapt, avea nfiarea unui brbat bine fcut, mbrcat cu un pulover modern i n blugi. n picioare avea nite ghete negre. i blugii erau negri. Mi-a trecut prin cap c cineva face glume cu mine. Sau poate era mai grav. Poate individul folosea o metod nou pentru jefuitul locuinelor. Instinctiv, m-am uitat dup ceva care s-mi foloseasc ca arm de aprare. tiu la ce te gndeti, spuse Moartea (acuma nu mai tiam dac mai puteam folosi apelativul sta). Stai linitit, nu am venit s-i fac ru. Nu sunt dect unul din slujitorii Morii. i ca s m crezi, uit-te puin la mine.Am aruncat o privire spre el i am vzut cum ncepe s dispar, ncetul cu ncetul, pn nu mai rmne nimic din el. Doar recuzita din hol. Ciudat. n loc s m sperii mai tare, parc m simeam mai linitit. Ei, vezi c n-ai de ce s te sperii ? se auzi vocea acelui slujitor. i ncepu s prind contur din nou. S neleg c eti un fel de nger? am reuit eu s ndrug. Se poate spune i aa, ca s-i fie mai simplu.M uitam la el cu o privire mai puin inteligent. Nu prea eram lmurit cum st treaba. Pn la urm se pare c nu el era Moartea. i totui, m ntrebam eu n sinea mea, exista undeva o Moarte care coordona totul? Vd c nu eti lmurit nc. Hai s-i rspund la ntrebri, cred c i-ai dat seama c-i pot citi gndurile.Da, simisem eu c m cam citea. Aadar, exista o Moarte suprem care s-i conduc pe aceti ngeri? Nu este nicio Moarte, cel puin nu aa cum v-o imaginai voi, pmntenii. Aaaa, poi s-mi spui Vasile, asta ca s comunicm mai uor.Da, interesant! Pe Moarte o cheam Vasile. Sau, m rog, pe acest mesager al ei. Exist un fel de Serviciu care se ocup de cei care mor. E cam greu s-i explic, dar am s ncerc s gsesc lucruri cu care eti familiarizat ca s m poi nelege. Serviciul sta are un ef, s-i spunem Marele ef sau Moartea, cum v place vou s o numii. Dac ai vede-o cum arat! Mam! Vasile, eu credeam c Moartea trebuie s arate nfricotor.Trebuie s fiu nebun. i spun Vasile mesagerului morii. Da, aa i arat! nfricotor de frumoas. Dar s continui. Noi, ngerii, suntem mprii pe birouri i avem grij de mai muli pmnteni atunci cnd vine sorocul. n momentul cnd vei fi n pragul morii o s m vezi din nou. Chiar dac asta o s se ntmple n Australia, de exemplu. Cum adic? Dac mor la mama dracului, tot tu vii dup mine? Da, aa e regula. Ia spune-mi, ai ceva de but pe aici? Pi am nite ap plat. Eu am ntrebat dac ai ceva de but, adic uic sau whisky sau altceva de genu. Pi am nite uic de la socru-meu, dar voi avei voie s bei? Ei, oficial nu prea, dar eu mai ncalc din cnd n cnd ordinele. ns numai puin.n drum spre cmara unde aveam sticla de uic, m gndeam cum s scap de beleaua asta de aa-zis nger. Dar mi-am frnat brusc gndurile. Trebuia s nu m mai gndesc la nimic. Musafirul meu putea citi ce-mi trecea prin cap. Nu-i face probleme, c nu mai stau mult, spuse musafirul meu n timp ce i turna butura n pahar. Oricum, m bucur s te cunosc acum, nainte s te iau cu mine.Sincer, eu nu prea m bucuram. Nu vedeam cu ce ar fi trebuit s m nclzeasc treaba asta. Dar aveam o ntrebare la care chiar eram al dracului de curios s tiu rspunsul. Vasile, n-ai putea s-mi spui cnd o s-mi vin rndul? am ntrebat ntr-o doar. Nu! Nu merge aa! Noi, ngerii Morii, nu avem acces la datele astea. Suntem anunai doar cu puin nainte s se ntmple nefericitul eveniment.Eram dezamgit. Speram s m aleg cu un rspuns mai exact, astfel nct s m pot pregti din timp pentru ultimul drum. Nu de alta, dar n-a vrea s m gseasc Vasile cnd va veni pentru mine total nepregtit sau ntr-o poziie dizgraioas.ntre timp acesta i mai turn uic n pahar i o ddu peste cap. Bun uic! Te rog s-i transmii salutri socrului tu. S-l felicii din partea mea pentru marfa asta grozav.Da, m i vedeam mergnd la socru-meu i trntindu-i n fa: Tat socrule, Moartea i transmite salutri. Apropo, s tii c i-a plcut uica ta!. Vasile, dar nu-l ai i pe el drept client? Nu, Iulian. Nu e pe lista mea. De asta te-am rugat pe tine s-l salui.M gndeam s-i mai pun nite ntrebri, dar Vasile puse paharul pe mas i se ridic n picioare. Trebuie s plec! Vecinul tu e gata de ultimul drum.L-am condus pn n holul de la intrare. i mbrc mantia neagr i i lu coasa rezemat de perete. Gata, am plecat! La revedere!i a disprut instantaneu. Nici n-am mai apucat s-i spun la revedere. Dar oare mai doream s-l revd?Am rmas gnditor, cu sticla de uic i paharul n fa, mai mult timp. Aa m-a gsit i nevasta cnd s-a ntors din ora. Ei, ce faci? m-a ntrebat ea, uitndu-se cam chior la mine. Nu m simt prea bine. Pi, cred i eu c nu te simi bine dac ai but atta uic!M-am uitat mai atent la sticl i abia atunci mi-am dat seama c Vasile buse jumtate din ea. Era ct pe ce s-i spun soiei c n-am pus strop de uic n gur. Dar m-am oprit la timp. Ce puteam s-i spun? C Moartea a fost n vizit la mine i c am tratat-o cu trie? i c pe Moarte o chema Vasile?N-am mai comentat nimic. M-am retras n dormitor i m-am culcat. Am visat c m pregteam s mor, dar nu puteam pentru c nu mai aprea ngerul. Fr el se pare c nu puteam trece Dincolo. Al dracului Vasile! ntrzia tocmai acum, cnd aveam mare nevoie de el

Traducere ro_>ENGuess Who's Coming to Dinner By Iulian SarbuOne afternoon (in the evening)I was alone at home. They wer all gone with bussiness, but only I apparently had nothing to do. The truth is that I was not feeling too well. I was suffering from a cramp in the left (oh dea!r the heart's there!) and I was good for nothing. I went to the kitchen to prepare myself a tea, thinking that I'll calm down a little. After drinking it, of course. Ive just set the steaming liquid in my mug, when someone rang the doorbell.Who could it be at this hour? I looked in the viewfinder, but I could not distinguish well who was (on the stairwell is a dim bulb). Doesnt matter! I opened the door. The Death was staying in the doorway. What do I mean? What Death, you moron? Youll say. If Im telling you it was Death, as we have seen her in all kinds of paintings and illustrations! Dressed in black and with a scythe in hand. Instantly I felt that hurts me worse on the left. I was paralyzed. I could not move and could not say a word.- Hey, why are you staying with your tongue in your mouth? Death said. Do not invite me in?With movements of sleepwalker, I stepped aside and I let her to enter.- Excuse me, I think I scared you a little! I didnt come to you. I came for your neighbor, but I still have to wait ... he's not ready yet. The doctor is with him and he confused me and him a little. I thought I could wait here until they are ready, especially because you are my client too. Not now, dont worry, sometime in the future!Death leaned scythe against the wall next to the rack.- I hope doesnt boder you if I put this here. Our bosses forces us to walk with all this ridiculous equipment. Apparently, like this, we are easier recognized by the humans.Thats true, with me worked. I recognized her immediately.Death took off his black robe and hang it on the hanger. In fact, she had the appearance of a well-made man, dressed in a sweater and jeans. He was wearing some black boots. The jeans were black too. It crossed my mind that someone makes fun of me. Or maybe it was worse. Maybe somebody its joking with me or maybe this guy was using a new method for robbing homes. Instinctively, I looked for something that I could use as a weapon of defense.- I know what you're thinking, said Death (nowI didnt know if I could still use this nickname). Dont worry, I dont intend to hurt you. Im nothing but one of the Death servants. And to believe me, look at me.I glanced at him and saw how he begins disappearing little by little, until nothing remains of him. Only the props in the hallway. Weird. Instead of scaring me harder, I felt calmer.- Well, you see that you dont have anything to be scared of? Said the voice of that servant. And he began to take shape again.- So ... you're some kind of angel? I managed to mumble.- You can say that, if you find it easier.I looked at him with a less intelligent look. I was not too clear what's what. Eventually he was apparently not Death. Still, I wondered to myself, if there was somewhere a death that control everything?- I see that you are not entirely clear yet. Let me answer your questions, I think you've realized that I can read your mind.Yes, I felt that he was kind of reading me. So therewas a supreme Death to lead these angels?- There is no death, at least not as you, humans are imagining it . Um, you can tell me Vasile, just to communicate more easily.Yes, interesting! Deaths name was Vasile. Or, anyway, her messenger.- There is a kind of service that handles those who die.Is Kind of hard to explain, but Ill try to find things that are familiar to you so you can understand me. This service has a boss, lets say, Big Boss or Death, as you like to call her. If you could see her how she looks! Mom!- Vasile, I thought that death should look scary.I must be crazy. I call messenger of death Vasile.- Yes, indeed she looks like this! Scary beautiful. But to continue. We angels are divided into office and take care of many humans when their time comes. When your time will come youll see mme again. Even if it's going to happen in Australia, for example.- What? If I die at the end of the world, youll still come after me?- Yes, that's right. Tell me,do you have something to drink around here?- Well I have some sparkeling water.- I asked if you have something to drink, brandy or whiskey or something like that '.- Well I have some brandy from my father -in-law, but you are allowed to drink?- Well, officially not reallyl, but I break the rules from time to time. But only a little.On the way to the pantry where I had the bottle of brandy, I was thinking how to get out of this mess so-called angel. But stopped thinking for a second. I had to stop thinking about anything. My guest could read what was going through my head.- Do not worry, I wont stay long, said my guest as he poured the brandy in the glass. Anyway, its nice to meet you now, before I take you with me.Honestly, I wasnt too happy. I didnt why I should be glad.. But I had a question that I was damn curious to know the answer.- Vasile, could you tell me when it will be my turn? I asked idly.- No! Not! Its not working this way! We, the Angels of Death, dont have access to this data. We know only a little time before the unfortunate happens.I was disappointed. I was hoping to get a more clear answer, so I can prepare in advance for the last journey. Anyway, but I wouldnt like to find Vasile when hell come after me totally unprepared or in an unseemly position.Meanwhile he poured himself aother brandy in the glass and handed over his head.- Good brandy! Please give thanks to your father in law. Congratulate him for this great stuff.Yes, and I could see myself going to my in-law and saying : "Father-in-law, Death sends you greetings . By the way, he liked your brandy. "- Vasile, but you dont have him as a client?- No, Julian. It's not on my list. That's why I asked you to say hello.I was thinking to asking him more, but Vasile put the glass on the table and stood up.- I have to go! Your neighbor is ready for his last journey.I saw him out to the entrance hall. He dressed his black robe and took his scythe leaning against the wall.- Okay, I'm out! Goodbye!And he instantly disappeared. I never got to tell him "goodbye". But would I ever want to see him again?I was thinking with the brandy bottle and glass in front me, for some time. So It was how my wife found me when she returned from town.- Well, what are you doing? she asked, looking at me.- I'm not feeling too well.- Well, I guess you dont after you drank so much brandy!I looked more closely to the buttle and only then I realized that Vasile had drunk half of it. I was about to tell my wife that I havent drunk not even drop of brandy. But I stopped on time. What could I say? That death was visiting me and I treated her strongly? And that her name was Vasile ?I didn/t say anything. I went to bed and I slept. I dreamed that I was about to die, but I couldnt because the angel didnt appear. Without it seems that I could not go beyond. Damn Vasile! His late just now, when I need him.